The Explanation

I wanted to at least say a little bit about my most recent ventures.

I went on my first date of 2005 (maybe I shouldn't admit that) a couple of weeks ago. Her name is Abby. She is very sweet, intelligent, and a lot of fun to hang out with/ not to mention very pretty. We went to a restaraunt called Cheesecake Factory.

In this last adventure I have come to realize a couple of things. For one - Only now can I say that most girls are right to assume that most guys are lazy/crazy because they usually don't ever muster the courage to ask anyone out. And secondly, that given the chance, girls will usually let guys know how they feel if they will simply be patient enough.

Even though my last date was a one time thing, I appreciated her willingness to give me a chance, and also to say no when she could have avoided it.

I think that I am simply too impatient. What I mean is that - I expect the answers far too quickly.

Anyways - despite my previous posts - my hat is off to her.

And if you are reading this abby - I hope I am not embarrassing you. You are great.

I think Brett was right

Girls are ok.........sometimes.......when they aren't being themselves............ok just kidding.


I think I will have my first visitor from Fayetteville here today. If so then I will post a picture.

Cool

later

Sore throats and J.R. Cash

I saw the movie "Walk the Line" last week and enjoyed it. I didn't think it was the best movie I had ever seen, but I thought it was good.

My throat is sore but I'm not necessarily sick. I feel like I haven't talked to God in months. I am finding it hard to get into the word. If you get a chance, could you please pray for me. I need to get focused or have some alone time with the Lord.

I've been very downcast lately and think it is stemming from a lack of spiritual feeding.

Anyways, maybe I will talk to some of you soon.

A question for girls

My question is this:

If you (a girl) are not interested in a guy and he asks you to go out - do you do the following:

1. Give him an excuse why you can't go out with him. The excuse can be anything - from "sorry, I already have plans" to something more specific.
2. Tell him "no thanks" straight up or that you aren't interested
3. Not call him back when he calls and leaves messages or avoid talking to/ ignore him.

I would like to know.

Thanks

Bla

I haven't written anything in a while so I thought I would say something.

I'm really tired - I've been writing new songs - recording new stuff - figuring out what I am going to do with drumming and other stuff as well.

I'm still thinking a whole lot about the church and our leadership and stuff. I had the opportunity to talk to quite a few people and am still figuring things out. I'd like to go into more detail but it's really just pointless and most people already have their own opinions about this sort of thing. But, all I will say is I am searching for answers out of scripture - I don't really want any ONE person's take - I want their "take" on what they have read from scripture.

girls are such a mess by the way - I don't even want to talk about it.

lata

Something New

So... We had staff meeting today and our church has hired a new pastor. She will be joining our teaching pastors soon and needless to say I am uneasy and without peace.

I am confused as to what to do. It is obvious there are two different schools of thought as to how church leadership and positions concerning deacons and elders should be. I will admit that I am not a greek scholar or a seminary graduate but have read the bible and am trying to figure out what it is that is important.

I'm trying to understand the reasons behind certain passages. It's hard because I know I will take a lot of heat from my friends down here if I leave. But, I also know that I must do what is right. I'm not condemning churches with women pastors or saying that I know better than them, but at some point I must make a decision for myself.

I have been living here since the end of May - so about five or so months. I finally have a job that is steady and am slowly meeting new people to play music with. I don't know what to do if I decide I need to leave.

I have always missed fayetteville - maybe the Grove is where I need to be. I don't know. The other problem I am facing is that arkansas just doesn't have the same pool of artists etc. I feel like I will be giving up on playing music full time if I leave.

I don't know.

David Crowder* and Jeremy Bush

Most of you know who David Crowder is but most of you probably don't know who jeremy bush is.

Well before I get to jeremy I will just say that the Crowder show last night was just as good as it was in Little Rock.

Jeremy is crowder's drummer a.k.a. Bwack - he and I got to chat after the show until everyone in the building except the cleaning crew were gone. The cleaning crew and my friends who were patiently waiting on me. He is a very genuine guy. We talked about a possible "gathering" in Waco at the end of April for guys on jeremy's forum. We discussed a whole lot of aspects about it - as far as what would take place - who would be invited and depending upon numbers - if we could get m-audio, roland, and other product makers like SHURE, propellerhead, or ableton to showcase their products for a lower price.

It was a really cool conversation because nobody in close proximity to me does the same stuff or is into the same stuff and the forum is great but not real-time. Meaning that it's like learning how to ride a bike by reading emails that someone is sending you. Only you can only ask a few questions at a time and as new problems come up you have to ask new questions.

So in other words it takes forever. So we (jeremy and I) want to have a showcase/seminar weekend where guys can figure out what works best for them (keep in mind this whole thing I am talking about concerns programming, live-setup, loops/tracks, and guitars, synths, amps, drums, circuit bending - you name it)

It is really exciting and really cool.

I am now on a VERY SMALL first name basis with crowder and tomlin's drummer. If someone would have told me that six months ago I probably would have laughed and said "well, that WOULD be cool" but anyways.

I'm excited!

U2 Tickets!! and Playing WIth Matt This morning

So I just got home from playing at church this morning and had a realization.

I realized t hat I have tickets to U2 next friday.

On another note we played a song called "I shall believe" which I think was first written by Sheryl Crow and then Matt Brouwer (who I played with this morning) re-did it on his latest album "unlearning" which is being played regularly on Christian radio in Houston and in California. It has been one of the most requested songs on Christian radio and it was just cool to get to play it with him. In fact - the first time that particular song was played on the radio - I was in the car with him and we both tuned in together. That may seem cheasy but I thought it was cool considering I am nobody and he is somebody in Christian music.

Anyways - hope everyone is well.

- Jay

Elizabeth Town and a Girl From Texas - More Than I Could Have Expected or Guessed From Both

I usually always start my posts with the word "so". So, I saw Elizabeth town which I believe received mixed reviews - I for one am not a fan of poorly done movies with cheesy acting BUT this particular movie - wins my "movie of the year" award. The soundtrack alone was amazing - I bought it off of itunes as soon as I got home. I think my favorite song is "My father's gun" by Sir Elton. Most of my friends know that I love movies and I was pleasantly surprised with this one. I usually keep very low expectations for movies - that way the chances are smaller that I will be horribly let down.

So apart from the movie - I am playing music tomorrow at some bar-b-q thing and then rehearsing afterwards with another guy named matt brouwer www.mattbro.com and then playing at church on Sunday with matt.

I am also in the process of getting a press-kit together to market myself for a possible audition with a girl power pop rock band called EVERLIFE. That is a whole other blog.

Now to what I really wanted to talk about. For some of you - you may not care to read this part for you may get to the end and be like "what? or so what? or what next? or who cares?" but anyways

So there was this girl I happen to catch a glimpse of during a women's bible study at my church. She appeared to be my age and I thought to myself "Hey, there's a girl that looks my age and apparently spends her time at bible study." So for whatever reason I decided I would meet her. How I would meet her was still a question. So I asked the nice lady who I had gotten to know slightly through working at this bible study who she was and that I had noticed she was my age. - I was pretty much a dead give away - Hopefully this particular girl won't read this - but if she does then HEY! THERE _ I hope you aren't embarrassed. She really won't read this though.

So then I met another girl at the church that actually roomed with her in college. I also made the mistake of mentioning the fact that I had a slight desire to meet this girl in hearing distance of my boss John who loves to tell everyone everything. So all of the ladies at the bible study knew that I wanted to meet this girl. I also found out that pretty much everyone who worked at the church knew as well and all felt it necessary to give me a hard time about it.

Ok - I'm skipping now because I am tired - so I met her finally and that was great - the next step was to get to know her - skip skip skip skip bla bla bla - A group of us go to the movies - she is there - She comes over to the house after the movie with friends

She DOESN'T even give me THE TIME OF DAY!!!

I felt awesome.

That has been the most recent occurrence in the life of Jay.

She wouldn't even let me talk to her enough to even get the chance to say "hey you wanna go get some coffee some time???" oh no my friends - it was more like

GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!! in silence

So to say the least - after seeing a movie like Elizabeth town - I wanted to go cry in a corner -

Not really.....................But seriously

Cool things, Gigs, and being sick (yuck)

First of all - I apologize for any fellow musicians/worship leaders that are offended by me using the term (gig). Anyways, I have been (booked) - if you will- to play close to 20 dates between now and Mid-December and hopefully will get a lot more than that. So that is a plus - BUT I'M SICK!!!!

On another note - I am doing this "cleanse" where I can only eat fruits, Veggies, water, green tea, fish, rice milk, some bread and cereal and it's all ORGANIC and very very EXPENSIVE. The cleanse are just these pills you take in the morning and at night - the detoxifying has made me feel like crap for the last two days but I am starting to feel better today. But I'm still sick - I hate being sick.

This is a side story - I was driving with Matt brouwer to play retreat for our church (sixth graders!! yea!!) this last weekend and a cover on his new album unlearning that was originally written by Sheryl Crow called "I shall believe" played for the first time on KSBJ in houston which is supposed to be the largest Christian radio network in the U.S. It was a cool moment - he also made number 1 for the station's Tuesday night takeover which was pretty cool. I thought to myself "hey I play with this guy sometimes.... cool".

Anyways I don't think I have left anything off.

Oh wait - we got a 62" inch hitachi big screen for free two days ago _ HOW SWEET IS THAT - I'll put up a picture!!!

Lataz

J

Sarah Mclachlan Is amazing

I don't know why I never got into her. I just bought "mirror ball" off of itunes and matt (brouwer) let me borrow his dvd of mirror ball - her husband/drummer is amazing - he is my new inspiration for practice, style, and groove. I am gettting to play a lot more music now. It has been a good few weeks. This weekend I am playing today and tomorrow with Matt Brouwer and then leading worship on Sunday with him. I am also sitting in for a band called "spoken for" - I am also getting some gigs with this guy named Justin Johnston - he is really talented. And then I am also getting to play with another worship leader I met named John Cordes from Katy. I am still hoping to get to play with Lauren James she has some great material and a lot of potential to do something amazing so I am hoping that I might get an audition. I talked to her guitar player the other day (david howard) and he had said that she had metioned something so we'll see.......

I am playing a lot more now - but it's amazing to me - i don't seem to have much money. Go figure.

I hope everyone is well.

Late nights and emotions

Well over the past few days I have been thinking a lot. I witnessed to a guy last night that I have met through mutual friends. He is agnostic at most and doesn't believe or understand the bible. He doesn't understand life's purpose. It was a great conversation about the fundamental questions of life. I tried to lead him in an understanding of God's foremost goal in himself which is to glorify himself. He has a typical perspective of God being an angry kid with a magnifying glass over an ant hill. I tried to tell him that he does in fact have a soul and I believe that God is knawing at his heart in order to lead him to God's truth. I know that there is nothing I have to offer him other than love and understanding that I have through God's revelation of truth to me. I told him I thought he was in a good position in order to seek out the truth that I told him God wants him to know. Other than that would like for you all to pray for him and me.

I am really struggling with a loneliness that is different from what I have experienced in the past. It has nothing to do with being around other people. But, it is a loneliness of not having friends who have the same filter. By filter I mean the way that people view Christianity and God. I really hope I find a wife and find her soon. I only pray that God will prepare me and give me patience.

I am desperately longing for an intimate relationship with God not just communion but a real working relationship that isn't just what I do - basically I desire a two way relationship and not just a one way. I know that God is speaking to me and has something in store for me I just don't know what it is. I honestly desire to please him but have trouble looking past my own sin.

I really miss fayetteville and my friends that know me well. But, I know my purpose is to be here and so I am content in knowing that. I think I have been missing a love that God longs to show me and work out through me. I don't know how to let him in to my heart. I pray and pray but not as much as I should. I want to "tap" into what I think I'm missing but don't know how.

Please pray for me.

My room and me

This is me staring at my desk with my new favorite shirt. And up above is my messy room - which looks cooler now than when I took that picture.

Solitaire and "That Thing You Do"

I would just like to say that "That Thing You Do" is one my favorite movies - I watch it at least once a week and I love "Lenny". I wacthed it tonight as I played solitaire after work. If I can figure out how to post pictures I will show you guys my room and myself with my new favorite T-shirt.

My room is great and ghetto all at the same time - just picture an arch-way that is covered by a make-shift plywood wall covered with what looks like a red and white striped table cloth that looks like something your Grandma would have brought out for Sunday picnics. Not only that, but the make-shift wall doesn't completely cover all of the "holes" - so - I have a grey blanket on top and an ugly white towel hanging by bullentin board tacks from the wall - Oh yeah and by the way - the walls are wood panneling "YEAH!" - I do however have a piano and a fireplace - a fireplace in Houston - isn't that an oxymoron?

I acquired a grey and black rug that I have grown fond of - my drum kit is in the middle of the room and my twin bed is shoved over in the corner - where earlier last month I found a roach in my bed just chillin - I hate bugs. Oh I almost forgot - I have a ceiling fan that hangs down from my vaulted ceiling - but it doesn't work. There are also five tall windows that are all covered with bed sheets (kind of trashy but kind of cool).

This is really cool - I bought a new loop program today and am really excited - soon I'll be really makin some cool stuff.

that's all I have to say tonight -

if anybody can tell me how to publish photos or whatever - I'm "all ears".

My days are all messed up

It happens without notice. One minute it's 11:00 p.m. and I'm wondering what I have to do in the morning and the next minute it's 3:00 a.m. I'm on my blog thinking about the day or lack of a day since I more than likely got up at 12:00 p.m. Anyways, I'm up right now because my roomate who has the room right next to mine has a girl over and they are being loud - a long story short - I'm a light sleeper and don't really go to bed unless everyone is being respectable or already asleep. I guess that is why I stay up late most of the time.

I would write more but I am starting to get irritated. I usually internalize but have realized that there is a better solution - so - I think I am either going to say something for the second time or just try to drown out the noise with a fan or something.

It's really late and I just watched Mr. Hollands Opus

Wow - what a great movie. I don't remember if that movie was based on a true story or not. It sure would be a great story if it were true. Instead of researching that - I am just going to leave it unknown - that way it feels better to me.

The last two nights have probably been the busiest for me as far as hanging out with friends/people I know goes. I have actually been meeting some new people here and there but in all honesty - it still is difficult because most of my good friends are in Fayetteville. I understand that what I "want" to do has a harder time coming true in an area like Fayetteville rather than Houston. But living here feels weird - not wrong or sinful or bad - but just weird. I know that it takes time to get used to living in a new place and that new surroundings are always unpredictable - but when it's late, I'm hungry, and just watched an emotional movie - I can't help but say the only words that come to mind at 3:38 a.m. here - "this sucks".

Lonely is usually a very specific term - in this case I am going to use it rather fluidly. The loneliness I feel I am encountering comes on a "like-minded spiritual level". I hung out with a friend of mine "chris stephens" and his girlfriend the other day and the next day before he went back to Fayetteville - it was probably the best time I've had since I have lived here. The reason was - we had a lot of things to talk about - we saw life through the same filter (what we believe about God and how he works with us and in us and his relationship with us and how Christ and his work all relate) spiritual truth.

Now, don't get me wrong - I live with Christians - my friends are Christians - but I'm not really good friends with the newer people I have met - and the three guys I know the most don't believe the same things about God and one of them just flat out doesn't care. I'm not saying that everyday has to be a theology forum - I'm just simply saying that my closest friends here view life completely different - or not at all in some cases it seems. I am of the opinion that Christ was a very earnest man, very thought oriented and concerned with things that I at times would consider to be "insignificant". I don't want to be a care-free Christian.

I believe apathy is a disease that is killing our generation - a laziness that is as easy as breathing. The one thing that I know is that - through my friends I believe God is speaking to me. I have always wondered what it is that God has made me for. I have come to believe that it is to help people tear away their apathy - and help them understand what authenticity is all about. But, I don't know how specifically or when or where persay.

I hate this idea of the Christian-American Dream. I can guarantee we (American's/Christians) have at some point bought into it. A life that has no calling other than - getting married to the person of "our" dreams - living in a not too big of a house, but a big house, maybe an expensive car - maybe not - enough money to take a trip every once in a while - kids and never having to actually pick up and go do something on faith. I know that I have thought about that - whether it's a conscious or subconscious thing - I guarantee that is the attitude of many of our parents and especially young people. Not to take away from people like my buddy Brian who went to China and others like him that aren't afraid to live by faith. But there are a lot of us out there that are starved of spiritual truth because we are too afraid to see what God will do with us and we don't even have the faith to believe that what he wants to do with us is for our good.

Thoughts on being a musician and SINGLE in a place where girls my age and SINGLE - DO NOT ABOUND!!

So - I have always known that there was a big difference between being a musician and being "oh you mean that guy that plays sometimes at whatever" - even if people think you are good. This is not something revolutionary or new at all. Most people would most likely agree. The more I play with other musicians and players - the more I desire to become a more well-rounded musician. It's an obvious benefit to know as much as you can and to be able to do more than just one or two things and do them well. So to make my point without rambling - I desire to become a true musician and not just, "that guy who plays drums at the whatever". But, I think that will prove much harder than I really am ready for.

On another note - I have this anxious feeling. I feel like it is only a matter of time until something comes along for me. But, I think that is the "back part of my brain" trying to convert my subconscious into thinking that my dreams will come true. I also have realized something that is kind of scary and previously discussed I think. I seek fame subconsciously for my own glory. I know that it is wrong and am desiring to change that. So if you feel like praying for me - that would be a good area of concern.

OK - so I'm single. I've been single for about the past two years. Most of you who know me well - also know that it has been hard to get over my "first love", which is a completely different post - that has already been discussed.

I would just like to say that - Single women from the ages of 20-24 DO NOT ABOUND in The woodlands Texas. Basically if they are in that age bracket and follow Christ - I already know them.

A long story short - I am praying for a wife and I can't find her. And for all of you people who are married - please don't give me the "she will come at the right time and God will reveal her to you" - I ALREADY KNOW THAT - I'm just impatient or better yet - I'm a GUY.

I know that patience is a virtue and a fruit of the spirit more importantly and that good things come to those who wait and I agree blah, blah, blah, blah - where the heck is she??? I passed my prime a couple of years ago and unless I find the miracle drug that makes me really attractive I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble.

Basically my faith in God's timing is being put to the test - I am praying for my unbelief and my lack of faith. Please pray for that also.

so - SHAUNA - b4 you post about how it will be perfect when God introduces to her (if I am to be married anyways and most importantly) - I just need you to tell me that you and STU will pray for me!!! (if you can't tell by my typing - that section was supposed to be funny)- I love both of you guys and thanks for responding to a lot of my posts.

If you could ask God for one thing - what would it be? ( i asked my father this question when I was about 14 or so)

Opportunities

Many of you who know me also know that one of my biggest interests/dreams/desires has been to play with an artist on the road as a paid musician/drummer. It turns out that I have a legitimate chance at that very thing. The artist is a young girl from Houston named Lauren James - I am probably speaking way too soon so I will also add that it probably won't happen - but you never know - anything could come up. Anyways the guy who has been playing bass with me (Jacob Lisenbe) is going to be playing bass for Lauren on her upcoming tour. To make a long story short - he has told her about me and Jacob's brother who is scheduled to play with her for her overseas dates in Germany and South africa will not be doing the tour with her. So - I might get to do it. I am really anxious and excited - so please pray that Gods will would be worked out. And also pray that I would be patient and totally accepting of the whatever the Lord chooses to put before me.

If you want to check her music out you can listen to it at www.myspace.com/laurenjamesmusic

I hope my heart is not too hard

Over the last few months I have come to a realization that is hopefully leading me in a better direction. It seems that young adults my age have been struggling with the search for spiritual truth. I'm not sure exactly what the overall situation or problem has been with other people, but I can expound on my own experience(s).

I think that the different questions concerning spiritual truth, how God has devised his plan for his own glory, and the truths of the bible have been of overriding importance to me, but have left me calloused and hardened towards the Spirit of God.

Ever since I began to ask questions about God's sovereignty and ideas that would change the way I viewed our creator I placed an urgency/importance on the knowledge of scripture and the answers to some of the hardest theological questions. And, in my pursuit of these answers I seemed to find the answers in the scriptures. With the help of friends and especially pastors, I slowly began to seek out spiritual truth, but along the way I some how lost the Lord's spirit which should have been the forefront of why I was searching. It's like I took what God had intended for me to use to grow in my walk with him and began walking on a road of spiritual knowledge and self righteousness. I think I felt that as long as I knew what truth was then God would accept me.

I knew that it was only in Christ that I could find his righteousness for my sake, but couldn't turn my head knowledge into heart action. It seems that Christian Americans are so easily swayed by our pop culture or our Christian pop culture. Apathy has become - not only a characteristic that is accepted or tolerated, but an entirely new form of Christian living all together. If I counted up the minutes not hours, but minutes that I have spent with God - I would be ashamed - not because of guilt, but because of sorrow for my own soul.

I posted a few weeks ago on the absence of prayer in my life and my desire to change. I also had a great experience at camp where the spiritual preparation and desire to prepare with prayer had paid off. I have been encouraged lately in those things.

I believe that our generation is in a lot of trouble. I believe that we have made ourselves believe we are right before God because we know what to say and we know what to BELIEVE - our problem is that we have forgotten how to have faith in what we believe.

When we look at the ultimate example of how to live in the scriptures - we should see a couple of things that a lot of people don't point out. (this was made known to me from a friend/pastor).

Our Christ - the lover of our souls was very earnest and serious. But he, also taught with sarcasm and knew how to relate to different people in different situations. The bible however did not make it a point to mention his laughter. It is probably safe to say that Christ had a sense of humor - but my point is that in all seriousness - we have lost touch with an attention to detail and seriousness of our own faith. We live in a society that tells us to tolerate - avoid conflict - please everyone - and not "make a big deal" out of things.

I'll be honest - I think we need to rethink our lives and ask God to renew our thinking and our minds (not just because scripture tells us to in Romans and other passages) - but because we honestly are sorrowful of our own souls - (least of all our own souls and most of all others that we don't know that don't know our Christ). I think we are in trouble and in need of our savior Jesus just as much today as when we first came to know his love.

I might be talking crazy and will admit that possibility because I am human - but sometimes I think reality checks are much more than just saying "hey I haven't spent much time with God lately". We need to check what we believe, what we think we know, what we claim to be true in our lives, and what we really care about, what we really think, what we really say, and what we really have faith in and not just believe.

Please pray for me as I am very far from the God that I thought I was close to.

An Amazing Week of Camp

Well as most of you know I am playing music for a living. We (the bruce clinton band) just played at Camp WOW in Oklahoma which by the way is in the middle of nowhere. I haven't had a chance to write about his last week and I just got finished sending an enormous email to a girl I barely know that I met at camp and told her about how great camp was for me. She probably thinks I'm crazy know - but anyways.

It has amazed me how God has answered so many prayers and blessed me in my spiritual preparation and my desire to be patient and pride-less. If there is one thing I have been learning and finally seen an improvement in - it has been my attitude while playing music. Some of my best guy friends can attest to that as they all know my attitude can really suck a lot of the time. But of course I won't list who those friends are so they can affirm my admittance... Cough cough (Jason, Brett, Chris, Cass, Roger)

I have finally figured out that I must "leave my pride by my side". The worship machine as I like to call it is a body working together to help lead others to the throne of grace. Musical worship to me - is an outpouring of internal yearning for knowledge, truth, wisdom, and love by means of emotional responses and acknowledgments of who God is, what he has done for you and others and what he is doing and will do.

This last week enabled me to see an actual ministry of music be poured out not only in song but by the way we interacted and shared our hearts with kids, young adults, and adults. It means so much more to people when they know your heart. If people can see your heart then it allows them to feel like they can trust you - it shows them that you aren't afraid to break through the barriers of awkwardness, perception, and short comings. I'm not sure how many people came to know Christ for the first time but I am estimating it was around 25 or 30.

I have also come to experience the blessing of spiritual preparation. Earnestly seeking the Lord's blessing on a service and asking for his hand to guide things is truly honored by God. When you desire to yield to his spirit he does indeed help and allow for it to work. I have experienced it. From a guy who is a pessimist fighting to become and optimist with the lord's help you can trust me on this one.

His spirit engulfed the people at this camp - not just in worship times but throughout the week. It was so refreshing and encouraging to see and hear these things happen despite that past weeks. So for all of you out there who read this (2 or 3 of you) - God is good.


Our God truly is amazing. To him be all the honor, glory, and praise forever. Amen

Prayer is amazing

It is unbelievable to me how much I DON'T pray. I'm not going to go through all the typical junk and jargon of what I do instead of praying or why it is so easy to do other things because we have all heard it a thousand times. But, when I read the scriptures the one thing that has been standing out to me is how much Godly men prayed. Jesus prayed all the time. It was the connection or comuunication of God to us and us to God. Pray for me please and pray all the time. Call me and ask if I am praying... please.. pray.. pray

Only One True Love?

So after turning 22 and only dating one girl in my whole entire life I began to wonder. In essence I am asking or posing questions to myself concerning love that I thought would have been answered by now. I had always thought that I would have met or been dating the girl I would marry in college. But, that assumption was incorrect. Apart from all the details I want to ask one question. I'm sure it is a question that all of us have asked ourselves. And of course I have my own answer but it's a flawed one at best.

Is there only one person you are supposed to fall in love with?

I would however concede that just because you are supposed to be with a specific person doesn't necessarily mean that you will. - that is my thought anyways

My only example would be adam and eve. God knew that none of the animals would suffice and so, made Eve specifically for adam. He didn't make Eva or Evie and Eve and said "Adam you decide - I don't care" he made Eve - just her. No one else.

I come into contact with a lot of different people and most people tell me that God doesn't care. That he has multiple women you can marry and you can choose whomever.

I don't really think that "that" is the way it is. But, my only example would be Adam and Eve. However, there is a huge thing called "sin" which messes everything up. Because of sin we have divorce and single mothers raising children and whatever else you can think of. So I am willing to concede that my perception or view is flawed and incorrect but it seems so perfect - don't you think? - maybe like a plan - a perfect plan maybe?

But, I also do think that we (people) can mess it up. Maybe in God's divine plan we can be with the person we were supposed to be with while at the same time - not be with the person that we were designed to be with.

I don't know - that sounds like God would be holding out the best that possibly could be - but still I don't know. I guess it's because I haven't found her yet. If "she" even exists at all for me. Maybe we don't really get over our first serious relationship for a long time. Or maybe it's just longer for some people. Or maybe it's just longer for me.

Sometimes I think that I had my one chance with real, authentic, romantic love and that I blew it. - I think that my one shot was not to mess it up completely, but that is exactly what I did. And now she's gone.

Well - this could possibly be an area for further discussion. So for all two or three of you who read my blog - give me some feedback.

Shauna - You usually comment - so feel free - tell me what you and stu think.

Questions, Questions, Questions

So after many days thinking about different topics - I have come up with a list of questions(not too long) that I need to ask myself and others to find the opinion of the Lord that has somehow been kept from my understanding. Please feel free to answer these questions.

1. If my theology is wrong - do I believe in a God that is wrong? or If my theology is flawed - then do I believe in a flawed God or potentially a God that cannot save me?

2. If I serve in a certain church - be it Methodist, Baptist, Presb., Bible, non-denom., Anglican - does that mean that I have to adopt their beliefs? or does that mean that I endorse what they believe and agree that it is truth?

3. Does God want me to be deeply concerned with my own theology or his theology? -

4. Should my theology determine where I go to church?

CHANGING GEARS NOW

In our generation/s worship music has become more and more prevalent. It is also taking on an avenue for business.

1. For a church/camp/event - what is the benefit of hiring a band, (that has no connection with that specific group of people) - for leading worship? and if the answer is simply for the hope of a better worship experience - then I am in the wrong profession - so please don't say that

2. If I should be based at a church or have a HOME CHURCH - then how does it make sense for me to travel all the time and play music for a living? - which is what I desire to do.

3. Is their only one avenue for honoring God in music or are there multiple? here are the choices A. play at church and serve in the worship band of your home church and your home church only - B. be in a completely secular band or C. be in a worship band that maybe plays at your home church or maybe not and also plays for anything else they can get their hands on - or finally - D. it doesn't matter -

4. Does it please God to make money for leading worship?

- I would love to hear feedback - Tell your friends

Difficult weeks mixed with mixed feelings

To say the least, I'm confused, bored, anxious, tired, frustrated and bored. Oh yeah and I'm bored. For those of you who "really" know me or have been with me when there aren't a lot of people around, you can tell right away if something is wrong. So here is the scenario...

I moved here (The Woodlands) about four weeks ago? or maybe five? I am living with Jason Miller's parents (who rock by the way), and playing drums at The United Methodist Church of The Woodlands which everyone around here refers to as "The Methidome". HaHa..(sarcastically)

Like I said before... those of you who "really" know me and know what I believe also will acknowledge that I am not a methodist. So right off the bat there is this barrier of theology which does in fact come out in the sermons - all you have to do is listen carefully and you hear it - a little tid bit there and an interjection here.

After a long practice on Saturday night I realized that I hadn't even thought about why we were rehersing or what our purpose was. It's as if I was preparing a meal for no one to eat. (that's a horrible analogy but you get the picture) I felt so empty and low.

There is such an atmoshpere of Christian celebrity today and I believe it is much more prevalent here then back home and I hate it. It makes me sick. The way I talk about the music with other musicians and what actually goes on when we rehearse or work on new songs makes me feel like I talk about worhsip music like it's a business. I really feel as if God is displeased with it all and I am stuck in the middle. I feel more responsible because I acknowledge that it exists yet it doesn't change within me.

Basically for any of you who are still reading this - I am asking for prayer. I want to know what I am made to do. Most all of you know I desire to play music but not if it will be like this. I want to play music but I just don't think I can play the worship music/ christian celebrity game anymore. Now, I am not trying to knock on Christian worship music or any other bands... I am specifically talking about my own personal experience.

Well I'm sure this has been pretty negative for most of you (all two or three that read this thing), but rest assured I know God is teaching me things and waiting for the right time to reveal his next step in the ultimate walk with him in my life.

Please pray for me and if you get the chance give me a call because I do absolutey nothing all day. I am hoping to change that with a job that starts a week from tomorrow. (Monday)

Getting Adjusted

Hello all

I haven't gotten to talk to a lot of people from home since I moved. I am hoping to start working in the media department of the church in a week or so. I have played twice (the last two sundays) the first sunday was with matt brouwer his website is www.mattbro.com and then I played for Bruce Clinton this morning. It has been a difficult four weeks for me. The second week I was in town I sprained my ankle and it was pretty awful. I tore a tendon in the top of my foot and had to wear a boot/cast for about two weeks. To make matters worse my insurance was also messed up so I had to fly back to Little Rock to get it taken care of. The whole ordeal was pretty frustrating but it all worked out and is beginning to heal. I hope my friends who read this will pray for me because I need it. I have been really anxious to start something and feel like something is going to happen soon I just haven't figured out what it is. I still am having trouble meeting people. It seems like a meet one more person every week and get to know them enough to feel comfortable calling them. Anyways please pray that I find a band or singer to play with full time. I have also been writing songs (which is something I have been doing but not succesfully). However, most of the musicians I have played them for really liked them and we actually got a band together and worked on one of them and it is turning out pretty well. Dont' be afraid to give me a call - believe me I'm not busy right now. Thanks for everyone who has been praying for me.

-Jay-

Well.....it's almost time.

I'm not even sure if any of my friends check their blogs regularly or if they even know about mine, but I felt compelled to write something tonight.

I am leaving to make life in a new place this week. This new place is a long ways away from what I am used to. Not just what I am used to physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. I guess that is why i am so down right now. I am going to a place where I know as many people as I have fingers while leaving behind everything and everyone who has meant a lot to me. I feel as though God has been preparing things for me in an order that will eventually work out. Most of you who know me understand that I desire to play music full-time on the road. What I am currently going to do is far from that. I will have to depend on another job for my income and when I say income I should say pocket change instead. I will be going from a state of complete dependence on my family for financial support to mainly on my own. The sad thing about all of it is that until I can get another job my parents still have to support me. Well, in all honesty they don't "have" to, but they are. (I don't know why)

Anyways, I need prayer. So please feel free.

-Jay

Could all of you tell your friends that know me?

I was wondering if you guys that know me could tell your friends that know me... that i have a blog...... uh yeah... cool.

-Jay

The first one!!!

I really hope people will "Blog" and keep in touch with me. This way all of my friends can talk to me while I'm away. So blog away guys!