Late nights and emotions

Well over the past few days I have been thinking a lot. I witnessed to a guy last night that I have met through mutual friends. He is agnostic at most and doesn't believe or understand the bible. He doesn't understand life's purpose. It was a great conversation about the fundamental questions of life. I tried to lead him in an understanding of God's foremost goal in himself which is to glorify himself. He has a typical perspective of God being an angry kid with a magnifying glass over an ant hill. I tried to tell him that he does in fact have a soul and I believe that God is knawing at his heart in order to lead him to God's truth. I know that there is nothing I have to offer him other than love and understanding that I have through God's revelation of truth to me. I told him I thought he was in a good position in order to seek out the truth that I told him God wants him to know. Other than that would like for you all to pray for him and me.

I am really struggling with a loneliness that is different from what I have experienced in the past. It has nothing to do with being around other people. But, it is a loneliness of not having friends who have the same filter. By filter I mean the way that people view Christianity and God. I really hope I find a wife and find her soon. I only pray that God will prepare me and give me patience.

I am desperately longing for an intimate relationship with God not just communion but a real working relationship that isn't just what I do - basically I desire a two way relationship and not just a one way. I know that God is speaking to me and has something in store for me I just don't know what it is. I honestly desire to please him but have trouble looking past my own sin.

I really miss fayetteville and my friends that know me well. But, I know my purpose is to be here and so I am content in knowing that. I think I have been missing a love that God longs to show me and work out through me. I don't know how to let him in to my heart. I pray and pray but not as much as I should. I want to "tap" into what I think I'm missing but don't know how.

Please pray for me.

My room and me

This is me staring at my desk with my new favorite shirt. And up above is my messy room - which looks cooler now than when I took that picture.

Solitaire and "That Thing You Do"

I would just like to say that "That Thing You Do" is one my favorite movies - I watch it at least once a week and I love "Lenny". I wacthed it tonight as I played solitaire after work. If I can figure out how to post pictures I will show you guys my room and myself with my new favorite T-shirt.

My room is great and ghetto all at the same time - just picture an arch-way that is covered by a make-shift plywood wall covered with what looks like a red and white striped table cloth that looks like something your Grandma would have brought out for Sunday picnics. Not only that, but the make-shift wall doesn't completely cover all of the "holes" - so - I have a grey blanket on top and an ugly white towel hanging by bullentin board tacks from the wall - Oh yeah and by the way - the walls are wood panneling "YEAH!" - I do however have a piano and a fireplace - a fireplace in Houston - isn't that an oxymoron?

I acquired a grey and black rug that I have grown fond of - my drum kit is in the middle of the room and my twin bed is shoved over in the corner - where earlier last month I found a roach in my bed just chillin - I hate bugs. Oh I almost forgot - I have a ceiling fan that hangs down from my vaulted ceiling - but it doesn't work. There are also five tall windows that are all covered with bed sheets (kind of trashy but kind of cool).

This is really cool - I bought a new loop program today and am really excited - soon I'll be really makin some cool stuff.

that's all I have to say tonight -

if anybody can tell me how to publish photos or whatever - I'm "all ears".

My days are all messed up

It happens without notice. One minute it's 11:00 p.m. and I'm wondering what I have to do in the morning and the next minute it's 3:00 a.m. I'm on my blog thinking about the day or lack of a day since I more than likely got up at 12:00 p.m. Anyways, I'm up right now because my roomate who has the room right next to mine has a girl over and they are being loud - a long story short - I'm a light sleeper and don't really go to bed unless everyone is being respectable or already asleep. I guess that is why I stay up late most of the time.

I would write more but I am starting to get irritated. I usually internalize but have realized that there is a better solution - so - I think I am either going to say something for the second time or just try to drown out the noise with a fan or something.

It's really late and I just watched Mr. Hollands Opus

Wow - what a great movie. I don't remember if that movie was based on a true story or not. It sure would be a great story if it were true. Instead of researching that - I am just going to leave it unknown - that way it feels better to me.

The last two nights have probably been the busiest for me as far as hanging out with friends/people I know goes. I have actually been meeting some new people here and there but in all honesty - it still is difficult because most of my good friends are in Fayetteville. I understand that what I "want" to do has a harder time coming true in an area like Fayetteville rather than Houston. But living here feels weird - not wrong or sinful or bad - but just weird. I know that it takes time to get used to living in a new place and that new surroundings are always unpredictable - but when it's late, I'm hungry, and just watched an emotional movie - I can't help but say the only words that come to mind at 3:38 a.m. here - "this sucks".

Lonely is usually a very specific term - in this case I am going to use it rather fluidly. The loneliness I feel I am encountering comes on a "like-minded spiritual level". I hung out with a friend of mine "chris stephens" and his girlfriend the other day and the next day before he went back to Fayetteville - it was probably the best time I've had since I have lived here. The reason was - we had a lot of things to talk about - we saw life through the same filter (what we believe about God and how he works with us and in us and his relationship with us and how Christ and his work all relate) spiritual truth.

Now, don't get me wrong - I live with Christians - my friends are Christians - but I'm not really good friends with the newer people I have met - and the three guys I know the most don't believe the same things about God and one of them just flat out doesn't care. I'm not saying that everyday has to be a theology forum - I'm just simply saying that my closest friends here view life completely different - or not at all in some cases it seems. I am of the opinion that Christ was a very earnest man, very thought oriented and concerned with things that I at times would consider to be "insignificant". I don't want to be a care-free Christian.

I believe apathy is a disease that is killing our generation - a laziness that is as easy as breathing. The one thing that I know is that - through my friends I believe God is speaking to me. I have always wondered what it is that God has made me for. I have come to believe that it is to help people tear away their apathy - and help them understand what authenticity is all about. But, I don't know how specifically or when or where persay.

I hate this idea of the Christian-American Dream. I can guarantee we (American's/Christians) have at some point bought into it. A life that has no calling other than - getting married to the person of "our" dreams - living in a not too big of a house, but a big house, maybe an expensive car - maybe not - enough money to take a trip every once in a while - kids and never having to actually pick up and go do something on faith. I know that I have thought about that - whether it's a conscious or subconscious thing - I guarantee that is the attitude of many of our parents and especially young people. Not to take away from people like my buddy Brian who went to China and others like him that aren't afraid to live by faith. But there are a lot of us out there that are starved of spiritual truth because we are too afraid to see what God will do with us and we don't even have the faith to believe that what he wants to do with us is for our good.

Thoughts on being a musician and SINGLE in a place where girls my age and SINGLE - DO NOT ABOUND!!

So - I have always known that there was a big difference between being a musician and being "oh you mean that guy that plays sometimes at whatever" - even if people think you are good. This is not something revolutionary or new at all. Most people would most likely agree. The more I play with other musicians and players - the more I desire to become a more well-rounded musician. It's an obvious benefit to know as much as you can and to be able to do more than just one or two things and do them well. So to make my point without rambling - I desire to become a true musician and not just, "that guy who plays drums at the whatever". But, I think that will prove much harder than I really am ready for.

On another note - I have this anxious feeling. I feel like it is only a matter of time until something comes along for me. But, I think that is the "back part of my brain" trying to convert my subconscious into thinking that my dreams will come true. I also have realized something that is kind of scary and previously discussed I think. I seek fame subconsciously for my own glory. I know that it is wrong and am desiring to change that. So if you feel like praying for me - that would be a good area of concern.

OK - so I'm single. I've been single for about the past two years. Most of you who know me well - also know that it has been hard to get over my "first love", which is a completely different post - that has already been discussed.

I would just like to say that - Single women from the ages of 20-24 DO NOT ABOUND in The woodlands Texas. Basically if they are in that age bracket and follow Christ - I already know them.

A long story short - I am praying for a wife and I can't find her. And for all of you people who are married - please don't give me the "she will come at the right time and God will reveal her to you" - I ALREADY KNOW THAT - I'm just impatient or better yet - I'm a GUY.

I know that patience is a virtue and a fruit of the spirit more importantly and that good things come to those who wait and I agree blah, blah, blah, blah - where the heck is she??? I passed my prime a couple of years ago and unless I find the miracle drug that makes me really attractive I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble.

Basically my faith in God's timing is being put to the test - I am praying for my unbelief and my lack of faith. Please pray for that also.

so - SHAUNA - b4 you post about how it will be perfect when God introduces to her (if I am to be married anyways and most importantly) - I just need you to tell me that you and STU will pray for me!!! (if you can't tell by my typing - that section was supposed to be funny)- I love both of you guys and thanks for responding to a lot of my posts.

If you could ask God for one thing - what would it be? ( i asked my father this question when I was about 14 or so)

Opportunities

Many of you who know me also know that one of my biggest interests/dreams/desires has been to play with an artist on the road as a paid musician/drummer. It turns out that I have a legitimate chance at that very thing. The artist is a young girl from Houston named Lauren James - I am probably speaking way too soon so I will also add that it probably won't happen - but you never know - anything could come up. Anyways the guy who has been playing bass with me (Jacob Lisenbe) is going to be playing bass for Lauren on her upcoming tour. To make a long story short - he has told her about me and Jacob's brother who is scheduled to play with her for her overseas dates in Germany and South africa will not be doing the tour with her. So - I might get to do it. I am really anxious and excited - so please pray that Gods will would be worked out. And also pray that I would be patient and totally accepting of the whatever the Lord chooses to put before me.

If you want to check her music out you can listen to it at www.myspace.com/laurenjamesmusic

I hope my heart is not too hard

Over the last few months I have come to a realization that is hopefully leading me in a better direction. It seems that young adults my age have been struggling with the search for spiritual truth. I'm not sure exactly what the overall situation or problem has been with other people, but I can expound on my own experience(s).

I think that the different questions concerning spiritual truth, how God has devised his plan for his own glory, and the truths of the bible have been of overriding importance to me, but have left me calloused and hardened towards the Spirit of God.

Ever since I began to ask questions about God's sovereignty and ideas that would change the way I viewed our creator I placed an urgency/importance on the knowledge of scripture and the answers to some of the hardest theological questions. And, in my pursuit of these answers I seemed to find the answers in the scriptures. With the help of friends and especially pastors, I slowly began to seek out spiritual truth, but along the way I some how lost the Lord's spirit which should have been the forefront of why I was searching. It's like I took what God had intended for me to use to grow in my walk with him and began walking on a road of spiritual knowledge and self righteousness. I think I felt that as long as I knew what truth was then God would accept me.

I knew that it was only in Christ that I could find his righteousness for my sake, but couldn't turn my head knowledge into heart action. It seems that Christian Americans are so easily swayed by our pop culture or our Christian pop culture. Apathy has become - not only a characteristic that is accepted or tolerated, but an entirely new form of Christian living all together. If I counted up the minutes not hours, but minutes that I have spent with God - I would be ashamed - not because of guilt, but because of sorrow for my own soul.

I posted a few weeks ago on the absence of prayer in my life and my desire to change. I also had a great experience at camp where the spiritual preparation and desire to prepare with prayer had paid off. I have been encouraged lately in those things.

I believe that our generation is in a lot of trouble. I believe that we have made ourselves believe we are right before God because we know what to say and we know what to BELIEVE - our problem is that we have forgotten how to have faith in what we believe.

When we look at the ultimate example of how to live in the scriptures - we should see a couple of things that a lot of people don't point out. (this was made known to me from a friend/pastor).

Our Christ - the lover of our souls was very earnest and serious. But he, also taught with sarcasm and knew how to relate to different people in different situations. The bible however did not make it a point to mention his laughter. It is probably safe to say that Christ had a sense of humor - but my point is that in all seriousness - we have lost touch with an attention to detail and seriousness of our own faith. We live in a society that tells us to tolerate - avoid conflict - please everyone - and not "make a big deal" out of things.

I'll be honest - I think we need to rethink our lives and ask God to renew our thinking and our minds (not just because scripture tells us to in Romans and other passages) - but because we honestly are sorrowful of our own souls - (least of all our own souls and most of all others that we don't know that don't know our Christ). I think we are in trouble and in need of our savior Jesus just as much today as when we first came to know his love.

I might be talking crazy and will admit that possibility because I am human - but sometimes I think reality checks are much more than just saying "hey I haven't spent much time with God lately". We need to check what we believe, what we think we know, what we claim to be true in our lives, and what we really care about, what we really think, what we really say, and what we really have faith in and not just believe.

Please pray for me as I am very far from the God that I thought I was close to.