I've been in a painfully boring two-day training, and so to ease my pain in the last hour today, I started clicking through Twitter profiles to see who my friends follow. And I found this guy (his Twitter feeds to a website).
It's hilarious. Hilarious enough to make into a NY Times bestseller (which is why I'm so surprised I've never heard of it...that and it's hilarious). Basically, this guy moved back in with his parents at the age of 27 and started tweeting funny things his dad says. It's totally inappropriate (ie don't read to small children or to anyone who is easily offended by cursing...poo...more cursing...).
Some of the dirty ones are really funny, but here is a sampling of the clean:
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"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."
"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts."
"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."
"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"
"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."
Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.
"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside."
2 comments:
This guy has a book out now. It's on several best seller lists. He's pithy but crass. I hope when I'm dead and you think about stuff I said in life it will be more than "don't chew gum in church."
so what's the website?...you don't chew gum in church, do you?
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